15 7 / 2013

12 5 / 2013

this morning i took one last trip to REI to pick up some last minute gear/ more so to try to find my first pair of sunglasses 

i did not find sunglasses because my face is shaped opposite of how all sunglass makers think a face should be shaped and i look like an idiot with sunglasses on

i did however find more skepticism about my ability to be alive 72 hours from now, after a nosy employee tried to talk to me while i picked up my official national geographic topographic map which i can now read thanks to geog 115 (95 on the final so you know its good) 

this employee was alarmed to hear that ” i dont really hike that much” and that i think it “should be a good time” my ignorance was disrespectful to roger’s entire existence, it doesnt matter if roger disrespects me as a customer because in his eyes i will never make it back because we’re dying on this mountain, IN HIS EYES

as if that wasnt enough, our own medical team has begun to doubt our ability to summit, citing snow and lack of experience, training or proper equipment 

anyone who claims to know what theyre talking about has us as 3 touchdown underdogs by now

but we don’t climb for those who doubt us


we climb for the Indiana student who emailed us just to say how cool we are

we climb for chris and eric who had this conversation about us on twitter

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we climb for the southwest airlines attendants who deal with me changing my flights every day

we do not climb for the DTH or TechUser

there is no turning back now, the only way to go is up

whether we do or do not make it back should not be what matters to you, we have not inspired the masses because of any physical feat, your collective obsession has stemmed from our naivete, our impulse, our mystique

but you dont need us anymore, because you can all become heroes, all it takes is the strength to make a decision and stick with it

we came to you as boys, the past 2 months have been our bar mitzvah (scotts second), now its time for you to schedule your own bar mitzvahs, thanks for everything guys its been fun

see yall at the top

ben and scott

09 5 / 2013

started watching thrones this week but to give my opinion so far i would have to start another blog

we are now 5 days away from flight, ben’s mom is reading into thin air (i think that’s the first time we’ve used italics), a book about people dying on everest, the book has also been developed into a movie which we may watch on the plane in an attempt to get people to ask about the movie and then move the conversation to be about us and our mission

we’ve been checking the weather the past week or so and we thought it was good to go, but apparently we are not very good at weather because we found out last night that there has been a lot of snow near the top which makes it harder to walk or something

due to this we are doing a few things

1. we’re still hiking, and we are still hiking to the top of the mountain

2. we are making the hike in one day, this will make it less likely that a yeti attacks us in our sleep because we wont be sleeping, it also means waking up at 3 am to start, this sound early, but were from nc where it is 3 hours later so that’s only 6 am for us, and im usually up by noon so this shouldnt be an issue

3. we are wearing snow gear, this will serve a couple of purposes

i. it will make it easier to lie about what mountain we climbed and adjust to peoples expectations, mckinley and everest are snowy and taller so this really played right into our hands

ii. while some might argue that this will hurt the overall outdoor frat appearance, given that we cant wear 5 inch inseam hiking shorts with a tie dye grateful dead shirt and probably a bandana to keep the hair back, this opens up our closets to a different season-ski season, the “chayest” season of them all, so we are going to swing our uniforms in that direction and not miss a beat

chances of us dying are definitely up with these new developments, so we just want to thank you all for egging us on through your mean comments and low levels of returning visitors, you inspired us to be better every day, and we almost always got worse, my only request is that my funeral is in vegas, you’re all welcome

06 5 / 2013

while we are serious about the hike itself, the blog is a joke, we are not frat dogs (i.e. the cruise we went on was not a “booze cruise”, we just went and gambled (legally) a lot in international waters and hung out with jamaicans). we say things because we think they are funny, not because they are true. love/hire us

proceed with caution

05 5 / 2013

no more fucking around, it’s officially the pregame to the championship that is our attack on the globe via mount whitney

we’re sorry for keeping yall in the dark, but we’ve been too busy bringing the training up a notch to post much recently, we’re keeping the sabbath real holy by taking an off day so here’s what we’ve been up to

a few weeks ago, a late night pizza move turned into ben winning the 6-pie challenge at artichoke, this challenge, which few know about, involved eating 6 22 inch artichoke pizzas in 6 minutes (meal is on them if you complete it), it is the ultimate test of athleticism, and ben not only finished-he ordered garlic bread WITH marinara dipping sauce after the challenge

in preparation for the wild beasts that we may encounter on the mountain, we brought in a feral unidentified creature to fight

even 2 on 1, we were cast aside by this monsterimage

it was in the news the other day that warren buffett had joined twitter, we’re down with the war-lord as he is listed in scotts speed dial (#4), and we are glad to see he’s down with the cause

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however, WILL NOT BE PATRONIZED, and thus did not post on may day

speaking of may day

we were about to sign with TMT for the climb, but last night “johnny football” decided to join the money team to add another acronymed organization to his resume (see OVO for further details) and we had to drop out, sorry floyd its nothing personal

move out is this week, obviously we dont carry our own shit these days so if you want to intern for us email (mountingwhitneysb@gmail.com) us your application and be ready to start tuesday morning

You need to treat yourself like a monarch today — even if it feels slightly egotistical or weird. Just make sure that you’re recharging your spiritual batteries in some way, or the rest of the month could be weird.”-yahoo horoscopes

 

treat yourself like a monarch every day, you deserve it

 

02 5 / 2013

talent

27 4 / 2013

welcome back

it’s been a minute since our last post and a lot has happened

scott went to rehab but he escaped so we’re good to go and hes still using and abusing

drake came out with a new song and then johnny manziel fucked everything up by existing

BUT

drizzy continues to write the soundtrack to our journey as no new friends really correlates to what its like living the blessed life, the past few weeks have been stressful as we can no longer walk around campus without being called out for being sick because they think that if they get into our inner circle theyll be invited to 40/40 with us but they wont we keep our circle TIGHT

in support of the no new friends movement, we did the only sensible thing

we grew mustaches, and they are coming in HOT, just to keep it 100% from the field for yall, i really just woke up with the stache one morning, its my body’s chameleon mechanism to protect me from paparazz and golddiggers 

bens mustache is growing in blonde so hes dyeing it so hes not that guy who has a mustache that isnt his hair color because fuck that guy

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scott has the mustache that… is awful

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shoutout to obama as dc has recently passed LA as the second highest viewership per capita

t minus 18 days until lift off, we’re headed to REI to get some gear

16 4 / 2013

If you have hate in your heart and we missed you, let us know and we’ll gladly add you to the list, if you don’t know how to get in touch with us, then we have no idea how you found this tumblr and that’s pretty cool

Matt Rothstein

Nick Gratto

Robbie Fitzgerald (“If you climb that, I’ll climb Everest”)

Daily Tar Heel

Marshall Finkelstein

Michael Patton

Matt Laurino

Brennan Carpenter

Jack Stutesman (Minor Hater) -> UPDATE: 3/6/13 1:58 PM- (Huge Hater)

Anyone who didn’t start from the bottom

Girl at Kesem Meeting (Jenna Gorlick)

Eric Zwilling

Harris Tils

Matt Weiss

Brandon Lewis

Jeff Goettel

NOT future employers

Ryan Kelly

North Street Mob (Assumed)

Sarah Bell (LFIT Professor who gave Scott an A- and Ben an A)

Chipotle Employee who refused to serve Ben a Quesorito

Harrison Pate

Scott’s Dad

Scott’s Mom

Scott’s Sister

Tucker Morgan

Donut

Halfsquat

Cosmo the Cocksucker

Jamie Matos (Limelight Hater, actually Top 5 fan)

Yifan Zhu

Stu Smith (Scott Hater ONLY)

Stu’s Pussy Davidson Friends

Trey Perry

Bryan Joachim

Josie Hollingsworth

Lyle Baumgarten

Natalie Malikyan

Karina Condez

Kate Eastman

14 4 / 2013

this weekend we earned the virtue of patience, after a hard fought legal battle with the DTH we were given the rights to the art that we helped create 3 weeks ago

we took over wilson library for the afternoon and we want to share with you the massacre that occurred at our hands, autographed pix are $5 on our online store with free shipping if you order today

the pictures are presented without comment

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yea right like we werent going to comment, check out my tris dear god i am ripped, also note the subtle shoutout to geog 115: maps! on the table

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"where did those candles come from?"-you last picture "right here when ben lit them because the photographer thought that would be cool even though it made us feel weird"-us right now

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it was a rainy day out so we were just watching all the lames that use umbrellas on the quad, but we were also facing west looking whitney right in the eye letting her know that her days are numbered, since the picture they have become even less numbered

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the photographer kept telling us how fratty we were and i can see why look at that hair LOOK AT THAT HAIR!!! wilson is a historical library and the chair almost broke under my weight but then i fixed it because i am an outdoorsman and handy with tools

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3 greek gods posing, we believe it is either apollo or cupid but no one is sure

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had to keep the muscles warm mid shoot so we knocked out a couple sets of push ups

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against all odds ben is the one that broke character for this one, (pictured middle: ludacris)

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if i could have taken the pictures myself i would because this is the worst lighting ive ever seen and she (shoutout to katie williams, our photographer) also didnt get the archways in the shot but we caused a scene in the great room during this one

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this pose was practice for summit, the hands element is still a work in progress

keep donating to kesem and we will have fatheadz in soon as requested so be on the lookout

not sure what the mountain climbing equivalent of a belly putter is but we will NOT be using it GUARANTEE DAT BELIEVE DAT

08 4 / 2013

friends

we come to you with gifts! we have acquired 3 of the world’s finest neurosurgeons to accompany us as a volunteer medical staff for our hike, theyre pretty sick themselves and have assured as that there will be no training on their end

if you’re a single lady in LA youre gonna want to hit them up PRONTO because once word gets out as soon as i press publish on this shit their lives will never be the same

please give a warm whitney welcome to grant! cory! and isaac!

Grant:

- originally from Birmingham, Alabama (dad participated in the bus boycotts in the 80’s)

- graduate of Auburn University 

- devout follower of Charles Barkley’s post-basketball, pre-weight watchers workout regiment 

-dated katherine webb before mccarron did

-isn’t yatted like mccarron

interesting facts:

1. successfully completed oregon trail for pc in 1997

2. active member of illuminati

3. drafted in 3rd round of 2003 NFL draft because of clerical error (mistaken for Cie Grant- Ohio State LB)

4. often compared to Curtis “50 cent” Jackson based on upbringing and quick rise to fame

5. has a pretty good idea who shot Biggie

Isaac:

- originally from Waynseville, North Carolina

- dropped out of carolina but still got in to med school cause his dad invented medicine

- claims he can run a mile in under 4 minutes but chooses not to

1. would give up the love of a good woman to land one solid punch on JJ Reddick’s chin (which would pop a lot zits on jj’s prepubescent face)

2. once sailed from Maine to Mexico on a handmade raft, flew back first class

3. runner-up in 1994 NBA Jam East Coast Regional Finals

4. firm believer that Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman

5. currently in the draft stage of writing the foreword to Nicholas Cage’s autobiography, Uncaged

Cory:

- originally from Compton, California

- graduate of UCLA, still hates LDII

- is going to eat only McDonald’s every day for one week leading up to hike

interesting facts: 

1. fluent in Khoisan

2. had a mexican standoff in korea

3. descended from lewis and sacajawea’s illegitimate child

4. survived two shark attacks while surfing (shark was victim in both cases)

5. had fairly major, non-singing role in High School Musical 3: Senior Year

recap:

new members=legends

single ladies=hit them up

more posts=later this week

thanks=for reading

07 4 / 2013

the “bad boyz of hiking” as we are often called are now within 40 days of our hike

we’re getting tired of writing about mountains because we don’t really know anything about that so the next few weeks will have some general life advice to supplement our mountain related experiences because we feel like we have to post a lot now that you all have proven to be fair weather fans who stop coming around once the liberal media stop asking us for interviews every 3 seconds, fuck yall for that

today we are going to be giving back, by showing you where we came from, and what still inspires us today-THE U

the U was us before we were us, rumor has it that gimghoul offered the entire 01 team admission into the order if they transferred to carolina

so that everyone else can share our appreciation we invite you to go on a journey back in time as we explore The U’s greatest hits

VIDEO #1

this gives you a broad overview of what the U is about, “if you don’t like us dancing, dont let us get in the endzone” is exactly our opinion about everyone who doesn’t like our attitude, and thinks that fame has gotten to our heads

VIDEO #2

i wake up to this as my alarm every morning, and then i snooze it so i can hear it again and then i’m ready to start my day

VIDEO #3

this is not exactly miami football, because this is basketball and not football, but the spirit of the U remains strong in this video, fun fact-julian gamble (#(thats a number sign not hashtag)yatted in this video) went to cary academy for a year

VIDEO #4

moving further away from the original theme, here are some of the best to ever do it, you’ll be seeing a lot of these moves come out during our documentary (more on that this week) but for now use this and youtubes related videos to see how we spent our free periods in highschool

VIDEO #5

RIP THE BOYS, butter, an official sponsor of our journey, makes a lot of appearances so watch it in full for his sake

VIDEO #6

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all eyes on withey, despite the distractions

 

 

this post quickly drifted from it’s intended purpose and became a celebration of the relationship between college basketball and music but celebrating the legends seen above is important

03 4 / 2013

because you are all ignorant, and we are not, we are about to give you an online degree in mount whitney

after this maybe you will stop asking us how tall the mountain is, and how cold it will be, and if we’re single

FACTS


1. john cougar mellencamp was conceived 3 miles from the top of mount whitney. due to his mom being soft, she didn’t finish the trek, ms. mellencamp, everything we do we do for you

2. there is a free Learning express on the top of the mountain, if you make it to the top, you get whatever free shit you want (hermit crabs not included)

3. jimmy johns doesn’t deliver to mount whitney, pita pit does (but not to scott because he’s still on the lamb), fuck everyone

4. much like the moon, there is no gravity on whitney, thats why we’ve had to pack on the pounds for the past month, so that we can be heavier than gravity 

5. TIME FOR A LIST OF THE BOTTOM 5

a) umbrellas

b) button fly jeans

c) people who “share” things on facebook

d) flo from progressive/ wendy from wendys

e) cologne

6. only 8% of those who attempt the hike survive, most who do not make it die during the “worlds most dangerous monkey bars” portion of the climb, a 2 mile long natural set of monkey bars, hanging over a lake of lava, we’ve been frequenting playgrounds in preparation for this

7. nobody from duke has ever successfully climbed whitney, not shocking because whats softer than duke

8. whitney houston was named after this mountain RIP

9. the first person to ever climb mount whitney was our collective favorite neighbor, fred rogers (below), he was quoted in his autobiography, Fuck tha Haterz, as saying this about mount whitney “personally, i will always choose pepperjack when given the option, but you can never go wrong with white american, personal preference really”

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10. episode 13 of season 2 of Friday Night Lights is based on Coach Taylor’s experience on whitney

also it’s the 1 month anniversary of our plan being hatched, i was once told that anniversaries are a yearly event and cant be celebrated on a monthly basis, we’re celebrating on a monthly basis

fuck johnny manziel

02 4 / 2013

step back from that ledge, my friends

shit really hit the fan after our post yesterday, the world went armageddon on us when we announced that we had pulled the greatest prank in world history

we double april fooled the shit out of you, we’re still climbing, stop cannibalizing each other and stockpiling chef boyardee and everything else you guys have been doing

we’re not sorry enough, however, to not show the world how stupid you looked

koolaid: people drank it, and it was poisoned, cults give us the creeps so we aren’t really sorry but howmanypeoplediedyesterday.com claims that 635 people died via mass suicide yesterday so thats our bad, we hike whitney in their memory

riots:this is a clip we saw on cnn yesterday while we laid low in a bomb shelter to mess with our disciples. on one hand, we’re sorry that we caused this destruction, on the other hand, what a song you know? if a riot was going to break out, at least john farnham got to let it rip in the background, we’ll call this riot a wash

laurino went to the gym: about damn time, everyones least favorite guido needed to get introduced to a barbell, once he found out his heroes were just jokers he decided he needed to learn how to protect himself, since he could no longer be under our wing. we were just trying to make you less of a bitch matt, you can go back to salivating over our every step again

jay-z offered to represent us: if we came back, we accepted and along with robby cano are hov’s first athletes signed to Roc Nation, so you’re all welcome for making jay the next jerry mcguire. him and b are also climbing with us now so thats cool

dont be a TechUser

01 4 / 2013

GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU IDIOTS! HOW DID YOU BUY THAT?!? YOU GOT PUNKD!

we’re not climbing the mountain, obviously, that sounds miserable

we really did not expect this publicity from an elaborate april fools joke, BUT YOU MORONS MADE IT TOO EASY

genius is measured by the ability to get 3000 people to buy into a joke 29 days before the punch line

i know you guys didn’t think we were capable of editing a confirmation email, but you’d be amazed at what scott learned in media arts, ms. millman is a goddess.

PS: WHY IS GULLIBLE WRITTEN ON YOUR CEILING?!?!?!?

SMELL YALL LATER,

THE HUMAN GENIUSES

29 3 / 2013

We’ve got a shit talker on our hands, LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL THAT YOU SHOULD NOT TALK SHIT TO US OR YOU ARE GOING TO GET ROASTED ON LIVE INTERNET

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(from our GrindTV article)

I want to start this off by saying that TechUser is the worst GrindTV username I have ever seen. who doesn’t use technology, no one is impressed that you can use technology in some form, TechUser, you moron. We’re actually impressed that you did it as a “12 year old boy scout” because you clearly did it alone because there is no way you had any friends as a kid because you are a grade a asshole. TechUser quickly turns back into the idiot we all hate and want to die when he claims to have climbed whitney with his frat brothers “with no training whatsoever”, TechUser, you may not have trained BUT YOU HAD ALREADY CLIMBED THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN, TechUser is the guy who does a jigsaw puzzle, un-does it, and then does it again and expects people to be impressed, TechUser is an idiot. Lastly, TechUser lays down one final burn, stating that it must be a “slow day” (Edited for TU’s illiteracy), or that we must be using a publicist. A) every day of our lives is lived at warp speed, we don’t have slow days, and GrindTV doesn’t either because it’s an Xtreme sports website B) you caught us, 2 college students with a poorly written tumblr hired a publicist, keen eye.

THAT CONCLUDES THE ROAST OF TECHUSER, WORLD, YOU’VE BEEN PUT ON NOTICE