03 4 / 2013

because you are all ignorant, and we are not, we are about to give you an online degree in mount whitney

after this maybe you will stop asking us how tall the mountain is, and how cold it will be, and if we’re single

FACTS


1. john cougar mellencamp was conceived 3 miles from the top of mount whitney. due to his mom being soft, she didn’t finish the trek, ms. mellencamp, everything we do we do for you

2. there is a free Learning express on the top of the mountain, if you make it to the top, you get whatever free shit you want (hermit crabs not included)

3. jimmy johns doesn’t deliver to mount whitney, pita pit does (but not to scott because he’s still on the lamb), fuck everyone

4. much like the moon, there is no gravity on whitney, thats why we’ve had to pack on the pounds for the past month, so that we can be heavier than gravity 

5. TIME FOR A LIST OF THE BOTTOM 5

a) umbrellas

b) button fly jeans

c) people who “share” things on facebook

d) flo from progressive/ wendy from wendys

e) cologne

6. only 8% of those who attempt the hike survive, most who do not make it die during the “worlds most dangerous monkey bars” portion of the climb, a 2 mile long natural set of monkey bars, hanging over a lake of lava, we’ve been frequenting playgrounds in preparation for this

7. nobody from duke has ever successfully climbed whitney, not shocking because whats softer than duke

8. whitney houston was named after this mountain RIP

9. the first person to ever climb mount whitney was our collective favorite neighbor, fred rogers (below), he was quoted in his autobiography, Fuck tha Haterz, as saying this about mount whitney “personally, i will always choose pepperjack when given the option, but you can never go wrong with white american, personal preference really”

image

10. episode 13 of season 2 of Friday Night Lights is based on Coach Taylor’s experience on whitney

also it’s the 1 month anniversary of our plan being hatched, i was once told that anniversaries are a yearly event and cant be celebrated on a monthly basis, we’re celebrating on a monthly basis

fuck johnny manziel